hmmm. hmmmmmmmmm. hmm.

in guestbook from lnj:

"Maybe it is regret... or maybe it is unrequited love.

date: 4:54 pm - Saturday,April 5, 2003"

ok. honesty. here. for you.

yeah, it's a big awful nasty heartbreaking case of unrequited love. i'm awfully horribly passionately ridiculously terribly in love with a man who is MOST CERTAINLY NOT IN LOVE WITH ME. i can state this quite plainly, too, without all the adverbs: i am in love with a man who is not in love with me. or, alternatively and more specifically (thus perhaps more direct and therefore useful for me in terms of accepting reality): i, valerie, am in love with x; x is not in love with me, valerie. i could phrase it as a half-assed, uneducated attempt at a mathematical equation (where vr=v's reality & xr=x's reality, & l=love): (v+x)vr+l (insert symbol for "is not equal to", you know, the = sign with the slash through it) (x+v)xr-l. [i admit that my equation really sucked. no need to humiliate me.]

i assume that most everyone else in the whole wide world has probably experienced heartbreak, so it is no news to anyone that THIS REALLY FUCKING SUCKS.

oh, yeah, and also, I'VE BEEN MOANING ABOUT THIS SINCE FUCKING LAST AUGUST. so i'm sure that the whole wide world would rather i just get it over and done with and forget about him, yeah? most likely such behavior would be most appreciated by my closest friends and chattiest acquaintances, who are many of them damn well tired of hearing about it. hmmm, well, i guess all i can say to that is: fuck you, i'm trying.

so, the last time the unfortunate beloved and i spoke, he told me of his wonderful beautiful experience of sat evening kissing on a boy he found attractive and interesting and intelligent and wonderful. he said "we didn't make out or neck or anything, we just kissed several times". somehow this distinction didn't matter much to me. suddenly i found myself choking on dread and heartache and the chill of reality. i was surprised, actually, at my reaction, because i did very much anticipate his tongue&lips mashing w/ some impossibly beautiful man beyond description to have occured long ago, and certainly thought it would not hurt me. oh but sometimes pain comes quickly! unexpectedly! SNEAKY!

and there are times ... like right now for instance ... that the whole of my body and heart and mind shake with fucking bitter anger. i'd like to have a word with whomever is responsible for this fucking bullshit.

i waited until i was TWENTY-TWO fucking years old to fall in love, i was really fucking patient, i waited because i knew that love is something i'm made to be good at and that no time need be wasted on useless relationships. i waited and resisted my heart when i first felt myself slipping toward him ... i resisted and then, miracle of miracles, i realized that i trusted him. that i trusted him with everything i have. so i crashed the gates of reason and foresight and i took a big bite out of love. i wrapped my arms around love. i breathed love deeply. i climbed inside it. i was so excited!

and then the ABSOLUTE TREACHERY of the force of love became manifest.

he is not in love with me. he does not forsee that he will ever be in love with me. he does not want me. i am not right.

i was tricked. love is sneaky. slithery. slimy. it is fucking vermin. it is disgusting.

"fortune smiles at some and laughs at others." fuck you.

and i've struggled with it, ignored it, attacked it, accepted it, denied it, tried to change it.

now i just see this: like an awful unstoppable collision ... his neck stretches, his head leans to the side, his lips open and search and his eyes close and he kisses.

just like he kisses me, only this person he's attracted to, only this person he feels he might oh maybe just possibly want to try dating or something maybe, only this person offers promise i do not offer, only this person probably turns him on, only this person is brilliant, only this person flatters him better than i do (which really makes me feel fucking slighted, actually, seeing as how i try to offer him praise and affection whenever possible -- but OH like he said, he can't really take me seriously because he believes i'm biased and therefore everything i say doesn't matter as much as what someone else might have to say ... fucking bullshit), only he could have been with me, could have been kissing me, but chose to not do that and to instead do this.

dear valerie, this is reality. you're really fucking stupid sometimes.

god damn whatever it was that happened to me which made me equate love with whatever this is.

the fury is shaking in my bones.