i just a few minutes ago finished reading "the culture of make believe" by derrick jensen. it is a pretty long book, a really good book, and makes me sad as hell. it's about, um, how civilization has been and continues to wreak havoc not only in our natural environments but in our emotional and psychic environments, and the loss of human and humane behavior.

it's fucking horrifying, nauseating, heartbreaking. also i think it's pretty accurate.

what i've been trying to do consciously as of late is to live physically, emotionally, mentally present and aware and living through feeling, through senses. i know i've always tended toward that anyway, having little patience for rational thinking, seeing no use in isolation but seeing isolation in use everywhere. this book talks quite a bit about these things as well.

aside from weeping over this book, i've been around in madison, still driving taxi, depending on the generosity of friends in order to have a place to sleep and shower, feeling completely rootless. it's a good experience. i know many people who've lived like this, but i never understood it. for me it's incredibly hard. i never feel comfortable. it's throwing my emotions into tumult. but it will be over soon. i'll be in philadelphia by oct 15, because i said so.

i'm going to go sit with alex and remind myself how lucky i am to feel.