um.

what makes sense ?

huh ? ack. things are changing so fast.

i was prepared to go to philly, i was saying goodbyes iloveyous imleavings and i gave notice at work and then came the heartWRENCHing sad weepy days with my beloved who'd finally started to feel, to acknowledge his feelings, to express his feelings re our relationship and THEN uhoh philly living situation flipped over on its head ( which i should've seen coming, i mean really, I STILL HADN'T LEFT YET and kept putting it off, so maybe it was for good reason, avoiding disaster -- by the way, confidential to the dj and the captain: i'm not mad at you and hope to see you soon sometime maybe holidays ? ) and at that point i was staying with friends but i'd been doing that, sleeping wherever i could since august and it was really getting to me, becoming impossible, and the saturday after halloween my darling said get yer stuff li'l missy yer comin wit me ( sorta ) so i packed up and took off and i've been here with him two weeks now and it's goddamn beautiful, it's comfortable and it's comforting and it's loving and WOW sex with someone i love is incredible, it's beautiful like heaven and i can actually have an orgasm with him, and that's UNPRECEDENTED and then the other thing, the most beautiful thing: he's in love with me too. finally.

and that's so beautiful i don't even know what to say.

but then there's also this: our relationship is still nonmonogamous. that didn't matter much before to me but it does now because he's met a girl and he likes her and he kissed her while i waited for him, dreading the very thing, time choking on itself, three and a half hours i waited on this rigid plastic chair fighting myself arguing silently my heart in bitter fucking torturous agony refusing to cry smoked nine cigarettes and read read read so many pages of a couple of books but retaining nothing because i knew this was the moment ( the unbearable excruciating time without end moment ) the moment drew nigh i knew it, he'd walk in with his new fancy lady, tip his hat and tell me i'm excused from further relationship duties, that he would no longer require my company seeing as he's found somebody more deserving of his love and affection.

except that he didn't do that, he came back for me. he came back and held me in his arms and i cried and gave him the letter i'd written with shaky hands and trembling heart and he read it and it touched him he sat staring at the blank page in the notebook after the letter ended, he sat for a while like that, he told me i was so strong and he told me he was so proud and i cried hard, he touched my tears with his fingers like he does so often so gently ( god i love him so ) and i cried more and more, the whole drive home and i asked if he kissed her and he said yes and i felt the need to vomit, i walked with legs unsteady into the house and i threw myself down on the bathroom floor i cried so hard it hurt it hurt it hurts, i called my therapist ( our therapist now, to complicate things further ) left a message muffled sobbing please call back he's got romantic interest in a girl he met two days ago and he kissed her what the fuck please call back, he and i lay together on the bed with tears and moans and a monster headache and wretched agony and then finally i stopped crying.

therapist called. we both talked to her.

he and i talked. kissed. had dinner. i cried more. i got mad. we talked. i wanted to kick his teeth in. we kissed. i cried. we took a long walk and i broke a bottle and threw a rock and broke a big stick and kicked lots of things and yelled and whined and he held my hand and i love him and i cried.

this is real. this is true. i'm in love. this is crazy. this is hard.

um. so.