mmm. ack !

i'm having trouble, swimming in rhetoric when all i want to do is feel, and nothing but feeling makes sense, but feeling, alone, sometimes makes me feel alone.

of course i am alone.

and not.

often i forget, and so sometimes remind myself that i used to not understand that i am a whole person, myself, alone, whole and wholly beautiful.

i've got classical autumn depression, but it's not really so bad. i'd say it's the mildest sort of badness. for me.

also, in related news, i'm kicking around in a puddle of who ? what ? why ? how ? ... and the confusion really, um, confuses me sometimes. i just want to always be sunshine and goofy and lovey, i want to always be the goo we sometimes find ourselves in where all we can do is love and we laugh.

my dreams are all colors of love. then sometimes i have nightmares. but those aren't nice so i won't talk about them.

oh, my seeming inability to grasp reality kills me sometimes.